It's been 5 months since you died. I used to think about the time when my life would not be wrapped up in taking care of you. I had plans. Those plans got me through some rough moments. I made lists in my head waiting in the icy cold ER for whatever test results were taking so long. Lots of lists. Fun lists that I could not tackle because I was so very busy making you Ensure milkshakes and counting out your pills.
So now I'm not making those milkshakes anymore, but I still have the lists. I have not traveled, signed up for aquatic exercise, taken that watercolor class, opened an Etsy shop, read books, or gone out for dinner after work. (Ok, I read one book.)
I come home and crash and think about everything I want to do but don't because it is too expensive and then there will be no money to retire or maybe the parking lot is too far from the class and it will be dark when it lets out and then maybe it is dangerous. No matter that it is summer and light until 9 and a perfectly lit parking lot in a safe area or that I've been saving for retirement for a very long time. Nope, nothing is safe. It is all just one big scary risky thing. Better to watch Housewives and think about the list.
I did manage to find the time to check online about why my finger nails have these ridges now and saw that it is a "sign of aging." I have a lot of those signs. You were right. Getting old isn't pretty. But it is what is left. Watching my nails develop ridges while I click on the remote isn't working out.
And there are no Ensure milkshakes to blame anymore. Just the inside the head junk that found too much room to grow. I'm working on getting rid of the junk and doing things. Yes, I know your first thought will be negative -- yes, I know I might fail. Let's just stop thinking that way and take a chance. Because it didn't take that much time to make those milkshakes. There was time then and there is time now.
I'll let you know how it's going.